The following quote list comes from the May 1993 staff party, via George Stankow. It has been edited (no changes, just omissions), because, frankly, there are some parts so tasteless they could make grown men hurl. If you ask me, I'll e-mail the full, unexpurgated list to anyone who was actually at the DT that semester on the theory that a) you know the people involved already, and b) you heard it in the first place.

"Hi, I'm Charlie, and I'm not wearing any underwear!" -- two identical messages left on the DT answering machine over break

"I spent three hours of my life as an orc, and I didn't get to do anything. I was so pissed off."

"Want to do me?"

"Well. Can I just go on the record as saying: 'Student Senate, suck me.'"

"We're moving and shaking now?"
"Did we have an earthquake?"

"You're constantly rubbing up against people that are interesting." -- Ann Connors, on why she loves her career in journalism

"You know, I had to go to the bathroom, and I peed a long time. It was a very steady stream!"

"Is that all? Only six inches? Oh, man, I can't believe it. I thought I had more than that. I'm so depressed..."
Two hours later -- "I wish it was bigger..."

"What are you doing in my drawers?"

"That picture over there, taped up on the window -- is that Chelsea Clinton?"
"No, that's just Liz."

"It's the fax from hell ... no, rather, the fax from Hillel."

"Janet Evans is here."
"Wait, wait. I'm doing Janet Evans."

"What's the name of the new press secretary? Sounds like snuffleupagus..."

"The women's basketball team were beaten by the Beavers? (pause) I didn't say anything."

Best typo of the first issue: "coaching short comings"

"What I do with my tongue is my business."

"Nothing goes between my legs."

"I can't feel my butt."
"Want me to feel it for you?"

Artist, trying to be incredibly literate and spooky: "She burned her hand. It really hurt."

"Marky Mark is a white guy why wears his underwear on the outside. I mean, Batman did that, only he didn't rap."

"I don't know. It's kind of long, Hitler's in there ... It's all very Tolstoy-ian."

"There are two kinds of guys in the world: us and Edoardo." -- Kevin Nenonen and George Stankow

"Now we'll never get a date with Diversions." -- ditto

"She's helpful, and she's there, so use her!" -- the Diversions wall

"I personally have never experienced orgasmic euphoria in an aerobics class."

"You're not going to be able to use that hand for a very long time. I suggest that you get a girlfriend."

"Let's see here ... 'We would appreciate it if this could be placed in the DT as soon as is convenient.' Blow me."

"Life is peachy -- for the most part." -- Stephanie Sortijas, trying (futilely) to convince Jordan Crane that he is not losing his mind

"I don't work for them. I don't even like them."

"I'm not going to eat something that's been in your armpit."

"You had eleven cavities? Don't you brush your teeth?"

"I know you're taking a break, Jim, but there's a girl in the little room crying for help."

"Winnie the Pooh wasn't gay. That kind of thing would really warp kids."
"No way are Piglet and Winnie the Pooh gay. I had Winnie the Pooh all over my room, and they were not gay."
"You're not helping the argument, Mister Psycho Slasher." -- George Stankow and Psycho Slasher

"Frankly, my dear, you're becoming quite tiresome."

"We give you your own office down the hall, and what do you do? You come into City." -- Matt White to Diversions

"What are you trying to say, Jim, unzipping my pants like that?"

"I'm going to get something to eat. Want any potatoes, Mike?"

"The original lead said something about tea and windmills. I changed it."

"You gotta love 'Hard Copy.' Whoa, does she just walk around wearing nothing?"
"Get the hell out of the way." -- Matt White and Ron

"Oh, we're not going sober to see Dinesh D'Souza -- there are going to be open microphones."

"How many inches does a person need in a year?"

"I'll always open my umbrella for you, Larry."

"It was huge!"
"Let me see!"

"You hold out your arms until everyone stands still, then you go down on your knees."

"The son of God is in prod."

"Did you tell them that you wanted to--"
"To burn the son of God?"
"Yeah, that would be it."

"It's never too early to talk about lesbians."

"No! You can't throw me out the window! I'm the editor!" -- Tracy Wilson

"Robert Straight should change his name to Robert Non-Gay to be politically correct. Then I'd vote for him."

"Ah, I'm so amused."

"Did V decrease his size? Because they look as big as us. Must have been all that white space that made it look bigger."

"Call her a becaped buxom Buckeye."

"But we need to run this. In this story alone, we have Barbie Tootle, Pokey Son and Brandi-with-an-I Galvin. What names!"

"Boys are gross."

"If it's sticky, I'm done with it."

"People are treating [him] like a leper ever since he started handling that cheese."

While Jordan and Jim are mock-kicking the mock-hell out of George:
"But you know, George, after all this is done, you'll bond with them."
"Ow." -- David Thun and George Stankow

"There's a lawsuit on your door."
"Only one?"

"It's not appealing to be an Asian hick."

"Steph, you're the best I've ever had."

"Steph is a pitbull."

"You get the feeling [he]'s got an axe and a bunch of human heads in his closet? He's too quiet. He comes in, he reports, he writes, he does his homework, doesn't talk to anybody..."
"[H]e reports, and he writes. Leave him alone."

"I brought [his] eight inches up to twenty."

"How many illegal things has Robinson done already?"
"I don't know -- my calculator only has seven digits."

"Was that the same bitch?"
"No, different bitch, same building."

"He's excited over a fucking line full."

"Do you put hamsters in Saran Wrap?"
"No ... not hamsters."

"[Y]our drawer's ringing."
"My drawers are always ringing when you're around."

"My family is good and wholesome, a Wheaties family."

"What's with this headline? The story was about spring practice starting."
"We transcended that."

"'Rewards and recognition are what people want out of life'? Just below orgasms and lots of ice cream on my list."

RE: Diversions, "I would be scared of us if I wasn't us."

"There is something about this bottle that's addicting." -- as she licked the top of a Perrier bottle

"You know, it's the unofficial national pastime."
"Really, there's nothing to do between the two coasts than fish and fuck."
"Fishing's no fun."

"I spend my life in Spandex."

"You and your haircut are really getting on my nerves today."

"You need assertiveness training."
"I am assertive. I just told you to do it!"

"At the risk of sounding naive, what does El Centro Chicano mean?"
"The Chicano Center, Jason."

"I could just stay around ... and shove things down your pants."

"That's huge! It's so big and pink!"

"This professor wants you to call her. She says she thinks you're avoiding her."
"She's right."

"People are mentally ill." -- in reference to two staffers and a priority mail tube

"Oh my god. I think I developed a roll of film I haven't shot yet." -- one of Jim's clueless photojournalism students

"Once you've been doing butt-squeezes to a song, it's stuck in your head all day." -- Liz "I don't care if you quote me, just spell my name right" Stuart

"I'm done editing. I'm goin' home to fine me a cold beer, some vittles and some lovin'."

"Janet Evans -- what a woman."
"She's more than just a woman."
"Right. She's a woman swimmer."

"I'm going to kick you in the head."
"Are you."

(While coloring on the phone book in a melancholy mood) "I ... have ... to ... go ... pee ..."

"Brent Jose's written three articles in the past week. He must be on speed. I wonder what he's like in bed."

"It's going to be pretty big."
"That's OK with me."

"Win a trip for two to Bavaria? Who the fuck wants to go to Bavaria?"

"There was rape. There was lots of rape, there was plenty of rape. There was rape-o-rama."

"And if you've got Mike Carlson, you've got a party."

"Hey, you got a fan letter from SWIMS."
"What's SWIMS?"
"Study of women and men in society."
"EEEEEWWWWW! Get rid of that!"

Person 1: "I like despair. What do you think of despair?"
Person 2: "I like it."
Person 3: "Despair is good."

"You're waiting for Doogie Howser to call you? That guy's a big ole girl."

"Oh, dear. That was quick."