The following quote list comes via Laura Lanchester. It has been edited (no changes, just omissions), because, frankly, there are some parts so tasteless they could make grown men hurl. If you ask me, I'll e-mail the full, unexpurgated list to anyone who was actually at the DT that semester on the theory that a) you know the people involved already, and b) you heard it in the first place.

"It's about as close to 4:30 as I'm close to smart" -- Laura Lanchester

"My uncle died Saturday, just before bowl time. Kind of put a damper on the whole bowl season." -- Sean Kearns

"You better finish that story or I'm going to punch your lights out." -- Michelle Ladd to Laura Lanchester

"Everyone looks at my ass -- I've gotten used to it" -- Laura "holes-in-my-shirt" Lanchester

"How do you spell 'phonetically'?" -- Jordan Crane
"Like it sounds." -- Laura

"How do you spell 'dun-dun-dun-duhhh'?" -- Michelle Ladd

"People are going to think I have a masturbation fetish. I mean, I already did the masturbation thing with him last semester."

"It's nice to know people are still having sex" -- Melanie Asp

"'Penultimate' means 'second to last'." -- Michelle Ladd
"That's why you'll never hear about the 'penultimate Mohican'." -- Christian Cooper

"I leak equally well in both pockets." -- the ever-colorful Sean Kearns

"It's a chick game. Chicks take longer." -- Sean "it's time for misogyny..." Kearns

"I think I need to go home. I'm all hungry and stuff." -- Steve Yawitz

"I'm obsessed with sexual literature. Do you want to come with me?" -- Michelle Ladd to Wes "I think I'll pass" Biggs

"I head that girls get really turned on by men slapping their belly fat." -- Sean Kearns
"How did he know that?" -- Melanie Asp
"So it's true!"

"Is USA Today all USA?" -- Sean Kearns

"Wes, I need a big slam. Would you accompany me?" -- Michelle Ladd

"He's the sexiest man in the world, you know." -- Wes Biggs
"Who, Nik?" -- K.T.

"That's because we only have city editors and assignment editors writing." -- Sean Kearns

"If I die, I'm going to write a column about it." -- Sean Kearns

"How can we not do Karleen this year? We gotta do her -- she's a senior." -- Sean "high hopes" Kearns

"You're gonna name this the Sean Kearns Memorial Quote List." -- (guess who) Sean Kearns

"I do not have an ass fetish. I do not have a lesbian fetish. I do not have a masturbation fetish."

"You better shut up or I'll make you box." -- Michelle Ladd
"You better shut up or I'll quit." -- Roger Horne

"Yes, goddamn it, we're perverts and we know it." -- Joseph Soqui

"You're going to get a punch in the neck in about three seconds."-- Nick Divito to Laura Lanchester, after she played the clip of Butthead saying, "Uh... burritos?" about 500 times
"No, I'd rather have a punch in the face. A punch in the neck doesn't seem that appealing." -- Laura "one of these days..." Lanchester

"Uh... Divitos?" -- April

"Make sure nobody touches my thingie."
"Uh... sure. Whatever."

"Touch my bones, baby." -- Wes Biggs

"Have you ever touched Wes' bones?" -- Laura, to April

"You want Trent, not me." -- April
"Nik Trentreznorowski?" -- Wes

"Look, it even comes with its own little condom." -- Michelle "Michi" Ishida showing Wes her really small Lion King shoe.

"I like biting people." -- Susie

"By the associative property, we are one and the same." -- Nick
"Actually, we're not. Yours is of the inferior nomenclature." -- Ni(c)k

"I need a little thing. Do you have a little thing?"
"Why yes." -- Sara Goo and Jon Fox (who must have the shortest names on staff)

"You don't mind if I do this, do you?" USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett, urinating in the restroom while being interviewed by DT staffer Terry Brown

"How hairy are you?" -- a potentially unhealthy interest in Roger Horne

"Who's older?" -- Sean Kearns, asking about two brothers, Jim and Rick McLaughlin
"McLaughlin." -- Marisol Alanis

"You know what these are like? They're like Skittles, but bigger." -- Nick Divito, referring to Mentos -- the Freshmaker.

"Hey Ron, we're getting out of here before M*A*S*H." -- Wes
"Yeah, I hate that show." -- Prod God Ron, who watches M*A*S*H every night

"Here's what I'll do: I'll just be a fuckin' male ass pig." -- Jordan Crane

"My quesadilla is getting hard."
Five minutes later
"It's OK, it's still flaccid." -- Nick "that's what she said" Divito

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" -- Laura, after looking at the host of editor applications on the board.

"Check this out, it's the neatest thing... It's like a cow, right, and it explodes, right?" -- Nick

"I really like that police section. I read it every day." -- Steven B Sample, president of the university, referring to the Roundup

"If you go to Maryland, you'll be near DC, and you'll be near Washington." -- Sean Kearns

"For my birthday I got a phone call from D. Orr. That's all. I really need a better life." -- Abby Albrecht

"I never let the facts get in the way of a good story." -- Terry Brown

"A message to all you hookers and all you hos: If you're gonna wear sandals, cut your nails."

"Sperm is a gift." -- Wes
"Yeah, Sperma Claus." -- Michelle

"I'm getting women and men confused." -- Sean Kearns

"Green is the virgin color." -- Wes Biggs
"No wonder it's my favorite color." -- Greg Keraghosian

"When I drink beer I burp so hard I hop." -- Michelle Ladd

Are you going to use this? -- James Chaay, referring to his photos of Danny DeVito
"What's the headline going to be? 'Uh... DeVitos'?" -- Jordan Crane

"It's all canine, you know." -- Christian Cooper
"Wooooooof!" -- April "were-woman" Haitsuka

"Who are your foreparents?" -- DeathZor
"I only have two parents!" -- April

"Michelle -- did I ever tell you I have faces on my knees?" -- Melanie

"It's ENORMOUS -- that's why I was looking at it." -- Heidi Braden, referring to Christian Cooper's "cornbread"