The following quote list comes via April Haitsuka. It has been edited (no changes, just omissions), because, frankly, there are some parts so tasteless they could make grown men hurl. If you ask me, I'll e-mail the full, unexpurgated list to anyone who was actually at the DT that semester on the theory that a) you know the people involved already, and b) you heard it in the first place.

From: "April Haitsuka"
To: "Travis Smith"
Subject: Quote List

At long last, after a weekend of cleaning up my college crap, I found one of the old quote lists from DT days of yore. Actually, I think this was Spring '97, because I wasn't around a lot to be caught saying very much that could be used against me in a court of law.

I scanned it in and did some cleaning up, but there may still be mistakes in there. Following Ron's advice, I didn't proof word-for-word.

April


Spring 1997 Quote List

Ron Flores: "What's taking so long? Are you guys reading it [the proofs] word-for-word or something?"

Quinn Olson: "I'll never eat beef jerky the same way again."

Jen Hamm: "It's definitely not your fault. We're not going to say whose fault it is, but it definitely isn't yours." -- regarding all sections being late

"In case of emergency, break hymen."

"I want to be a warm, hairy woman." -- in reference to the non-pagan hairiness of her legs.

"Don't write me off as some kind of dauntless granola boy." -- a line from one of his editorial pieces.

"That's 'fuck me' lipstick if I've ever seen it."
"You mean I got the two 'fuck me' lipsticks?" (In regard to the free samples of Hard Candy lipstick.)

Jason Spencer: "I can't wait to be sports editor... I'm gonna live in there."
(after being kicked out of the sports office by Joseph and Armen)

"DT ... See Inside." (During a discussion about the possibilities of Daily Trojan underwear, and what to put on it.)

"Write about skin-heads."

Spencer: "They're solar-powered sex machines." (attempting to make April spew Pepsi out of her nose)

"I'm just trying to boost staff morale," she said upon realizing that the top button on her V-neck blouse kept "popping open. "

"I didn't moderate. I babysat." -- in reference to the Student Senate debates.

"Laura needs a snack? I think Spencer is coming in soon."

"I am not the DT whore."

"We are reporters. We are not human beings."

"There's a riot? During the filming?"

"Little dork stories from the past, huh?" -- after one staffer told about how she used to put her high school's computer system together.
"That was so uncalled for."

"How big is your hole?" -- comparign wounds after donating blood to the Red Cross.

"It's not the size that matters, it's the weight." -- in reference to a stamp for an envelope

"My hole is too small." -- after seeing the pieces of her organizer wouldn't fit together.

"Do you want me to just take your body right now?"

"Learn to rollerblade as you whiz up the coast." -- proposed sentence for an unsigned suggesting appropriate springtime activities.
"That would take 42 bottles of Snapple."

To a staffer and her mysterious significant other: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"That leaves the options open..."

"Wow, I didn't know you were a sophomore."
"I'm not just a sophomore."

"I always blow it when someone's watching."

"That's what I need. I need to strap shit down." -- regarding earthquakes

"I will never ever do anything with a married man." -- in reference to extra-marital affairs
"What if you were married to the man you're sleeping with?"

"What are you doing with a lei?"
"I got lei'd today."

"Oh yeah, you're right. Orgasm is only a noun." -- in reference to whether or not orgasm could be used as a verb for the Morning After column.

"All of my good ideas are sexual!" -- in reference to her suggestions on dealing with spring fever

Female staffer: "I don't know if I could do that (pose naked). I don't know if I'd have the balls to do it."

"I want a headline that says 'Death, Death, Death ... and Sex.' We'd have instant Nielsen ratings and we're not even on TV."

"It's my engagement ring from Constantine."
"Constantine asked you to marry him? He asked me too! You BITCH!"

"Yes, I love her." -- referring to how much she feels for her.
"Do you love her in a Barney way or in an Ellen DeGeneres way?"

"I'll get nasty like only I can." -- referring to fee bills, late charges, and finance fees

"I would love to be used." -- in reference to being a source

"Imagine their slogan: 'It blocks fluids both ways.'" -- discussing the new combo sanitary napkin/pad manufactured by Lifestyles

"Traveler's not dead?"
"Didn't you know it was a prank?"
"That's stupid as shit."

"Are you listening to me?" -- she asked the very kind and sweet staffer just before slapping her upside the head

"Would you tease her?"
"What would you like me to tease her with?" -- in reference to a front page Diversions tease.

"The goal is to get the hole as big as possible to get the all the gas out." -- demonstrating what body positions are most conducive to productive farting.

"I'm all sticky." -- after returning from the INXS concert
"I want to start smoking."

"Where the fuck is my alcohol? " -- after getting down from her table dance

"Oh my god, I'm not going to be able to have children." -- after getting crushed in the dogpile