January 01, 2005.
Appropriate Holiday Feelings
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Happy 2005!
This year, I resolved to write my resolutions in time for New Year's so I won't have to fill space with things like this...
In order to help you through the coming year with a minimum of social and familial discomfort, I've written this short guide to appropriate and inappropriate feelings for each of the holidays. I have determined these proper emotions through careful observation and scientific experimentation over the past 30 years. In short, my pain is your gain.
What can you add to this list?
| Holiday | Appropriate Feelings | Inappropriate Feelings |
| New Years | Resolute, Wistful, Celebratory | Bored, Relieved |
| Valentine's Day | Romantic, Adventurous | Jealous, Lonely, Fat |
| Earth Day | Harmonious, Empowered | Greedy, Unperturbed |
| April Fool's Day | Baffled | Predatory |
| Passover | Guilty, Redeemed | Exhausted, Visibly drunk |
| Easter | Sinful, Saved | Unimpressed, Sticky fingered |
| Mother's Day | Infinitely unworthy, Loved | Burdened |
| (Insert Country Here) Day | Proud, Patriotic | Jingoistic, Chosen (Granted, it's a hard line to draw) |
| Memorial Day | Contrite, Sorrowful, Liberated, Humble | Lazy, Blessed |
| Ramadan | Cleansed, Pious | Full |
| Halloween | Liberated (not like Memorial Day, be careful!), Disguised, Amused | Riotous, Diabetic, Possessed |
| Thanksgiving | Thankful | Anger, Disrespect |
| Christmas | Grateful, Generous | Abandoned, Unvalued, Selfish |
| (Bonus) Birthday | Recognized, Loved, Older in a good way | Egotistical, Older in a bad way |
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