Brad Pitt, Hot Dogs, Jackass and a Big Black Van

[The following transcript between me and my pal George has been slightly edited for redistribution, but is basically unchanged. Editors notes are in brackets like these. - Editor]

[The original clip can be seen here.]

NepSmith (4:34:10 PM): hey

stankowg (4:34:27 PM): Hey.

NepSmith (4:35:20 PM): I went to Pink's on Tuesday night. [A popular hot dog stand in L.A.]

stankowg (4:35:36 PM): Groovy.

NepSmith (4:36:48 PM): I was in line with Matt Gardner. [Matt's my brother-in-law]

NepSmith (4:37:01 PM): The line was about 20 minutes long.

NepSmith (4:37:11 PM): As we neared the front, Brad Pitt stepped into the back of the line.

stankowg (4:37:11 PM): Susie's brother?

NepSmith (4:37:18 PM): He's short, but he's really lifelike. [I was referring to Brad, not Matt.]
NepSmith (4:37:20 PM): Yeah.

stankowg (4:37:47 PM): Did you tell him that I hate him but will see anything he's in?

NepSmith (4:38:46 PM): I didn't get the chance.
NepSmith (4:39:01 PM): As we were standing there, a van drove up, and the guys inside said, hey, you're Brad Pitt.
NepSmith (4:39:03 PM): He said "Yeah."

stankowg (4:39:19 PM): I bet he gets that a lot.

NepSmith (4:39:22 PM): Everyone else in line smirked, because, at Pink's, everyone's too cool to acknowledge a celebrity.

stankowg (4:39:39 PM): See, I would think that anywhere in Los Angeles, everyone's too cool for that.

NepSmith (4:40:01 PM): Anyways, the guys all jumped out of the van and grabbed him, and he shouted Help several times, but they threw him in through the side doors and drove off. I ran up and got the licence plate and called 911.

stankowg (4:40:47 PM): Would have thought everyone in L.A. would be too cool for that, too.

NepSmith (4:41:50 PM): Then a camera crew came up and started asking "what happened, what happened"? When they found out I was on the phone to 911, they told me they were from the show Jackass, and they asked me and several other people from the line to sign a release.

stankowg (4:42:08 PM): You are fucking lying.

NepSmith (4:42:13 PM): So I told the cops, and they said "So you don't need a police car?" and I said no.
NepSmith (4:42:36 PM): They I got my usual mild Polish dog with a little mustard and chili, and Matt got an order of onion rings.

stankowg (4:43:05 PM): So you're totally going to be on the show.

NepSmith (4:43:07 PM): I wonder what happened to Brad... He never came back...
NepSmith (4:43:58 PM): Yeah, I figure that as I was the only one to break out of the line and run up to the van and yell "Leave him alone!" to these scary, tough-gang looking creeps with wool caps and skater clothes, I'll probably be pretty central to that prank, if they air it. [The tapes aren't conclusive. I think I yelled in a deep, powerful bass that they should "Leave Him Alone" but Matt thinks I squealed in a school girl's falsetta to "leavehimalone!"]

stankowg (4:44:06 PM): You didn't.

NepSmith (4:44:42 PM): Other people were yelling and such, but I definitely came the closest to trying to help. In retrospect, I think I should have tried to pull off one of his [Brad's, not Matt's] shoes, because hey, free shoes!
NepSmith (4:44:57 PM): Scout's honor, I'm still freaked out by the whole thing.

stankowg (4:44:57 PM): He probably has really small feet.
stankowg (4:45:38 PM): That is indeed freaky.

NepSmith (4:46:03 PM): He glowed. I mean, it sounds silly, and in retrospect they probably had him all fluffed out and in clean clothes and all, but it seemed like he was standing in more light than the other people in line. It was kind of the definition of star power. Matt seemed a little disgusted by the whole thing, and wouldn't sign a release.

stankowg (4:47:06 PM): Well, I hope they don't have to blot him out and screw up your shot.

NepSmith (4:48:26 PM): Before this, the best L.A. story was Susie peeing in the same bathroom as Julia Roberts, but I think this trumps that.

stankowg (4:49:08 PM): This totally trumps my sitting next to Geena Davis at the movie.

NepSmith (4:51:13 PM): Yeah, unless you licked her.

stankowg (4:51:52 PM): Not that anyone could prove in court.

NepSmith (4:52:21 PM): I bet Geena could kick Brad's butt, Fight Club or not.

stankowg (4:53:03 PM): Five years ago, yeah. Nowadays, eh.

NepSmith (4:53:51 PM): She may have been working out like Linda Hamilton in T2.

stankowg (4:56:02 PM): Yeah, 'cause Anne Tyler went a totally different direction for "The Accidental Tourist II."

NepSmith (4:58:30 PM): Accidentaller Tourist

stankowg (4:59:09 PM): The Tourists Strike Back.

NepSmith (4:59:28 PM): Accidental Tourist with a Vengeance

stankowg (5:00:14 PM): Nah, I got nothing.

NepSmith (5:00:15 PM): Accidental Tourist: Dark Territory

stankowg (5:00:49 PM): Oddly enough, that could actually apply to Under Siege II.

NepSmith (5:01:16 PM): Or to take it in another direction, Accidental Tourist, Where Art Thou?

stankowg (5:01:25 PM): Not a sequel. Sorry.
stankowg (5:01:38 PM): Another Accidental Tourist.

NepSmith (5:02:04 PM): Dang, what's that reference?

stankowg (5:02:18 PM): Another 48 Hours.
stankowg (5:02:22 PM): I knew it was too obscure.

NepSmith (5:02:56 PM): Accidental Tourist: Pig in the City
NepSmith (5:03:08 PM): No, it wasn't obscure. It rang bells, I just didn't quite put it together.

stankowg (5:03:49 PM): The Pig in the City one actually works, too.

[Anyways, after that the conversation sort of sputters.... In the days since this conversation, the Brad Pitt abduction aired on Jackass, and I was prominently featured. I'll add the video clip soon to this Web page -- check back!]

[The next day, Access Hollywood ran the clip on their show, and then again the next day when Access Hollywood reran. I was also on the Channel 2 the morning after that.]

[More news: Turns out I was in the last episode of Jackass ever. So People magazine ran a blurb about Jackass, but I wasn't shown in the video capture photo that accompanied the blurb.]

[The L.A.P.D. is also a little upset that they got so many 911 calls about the kidnapping, so if Jackass wasn't going off the air, they might be in even more trouble now.]

[Last note: Many people at my work saw me on Access Hollywood. One of them said I was on the phone to Variety calling to report the kidnapping -- if only my reporter instincts were that good! It would have been my second call, honest, if I hadn't found out it was a hoax.]

[Really last note: I sent Brad Pitt a Christmas card for 2001. No response. I try to save his life, this is the thanks I get...]

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