Real Resume Bloopers

I'm in the process of hiring a new Web editor. Thanks to the magic of the Internet, any yahoo can send me their resume with two clicks of the mouse. Here are some of the more interesting comments from cover letters and resumes.

Please remember, that these are all applications for a WEB EDITOR position with a NEWSPAPER. I've withheld identifying information with [ ] marks. I have not corrected or changed any spelling mistakes.

COVER LETTERS

I also grew up here in LA, and started reading Variety on daily basis when I was 13. Naturally, I subscribe to Variety.com and have lots of thoughts on how it could be improved.

The computer is one of my main interest. Everyday I stay updated with the newest hardware and software; and I train vigorously My web-site address is: http://

The last seven years of my career have, greatly, encompassed both the Internet and World Wide Web

I'd love to be editor of Variety.com. [Note from Travis: That's my current job.]

My passion in design is embellished by a love for music and film production impelling me to contribute my artistic abilities towards the realizations of the film, entertainment, and music industry. Moreover, my extensive travel experience has been the defining factor in shaping my verbal and visual eloquence. On top of having lived in France, China, and Egypt, traveling around every continent has introduced me to new modes of perceiving the world, which have enveloped my aesthetic personality with inter-personal qualities and cultural intellectualism. This, in turn, has ignited in me a desire to set foot in the entertainment industry to devote myself towards the creation of music video, film, and TV/commercial productions with the aim of establishing my own production company.

To Human Resources,
In response to your ad for Web Editor, I am embedding a copy of my resume and cover letter for your consideration. Below are a couple URL's to sites I have worked on.
www.sharkeez.net
www.theworldparty.net
www.jennifergarnica.com
www.seeyouinbed.com

I don't do resumes, but I have done websites -- since 1994. http://www.linkwithheld.com/ [Note from Travis: That was the whole email. The Web site was fairly basic.]

Hi there! I saw your JournalismJobs.com ad for a Web editor, and I may be your gal.

Needless to say, I'm more than a wee bit crazy.

[Note from Travis: These next ones are taken from the various informational tidbits that people have on their resumes...]

FROM THE TOP OF THE RESUME...
Eric [withheld]
1930 S. [Withheld] Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA
Primary Phone: 323 [xxx-xxxx]
The Computer Genius

EDUCATION: I enjoy learning for its own sake. and while I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.

OBJECTIVE: To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast technical experience,
CAREER LEVEL: Mid Career (2+ years of experience)

DESIRED SALARY: 1.00 USD Per Year

ADDITIONAL PROFESSIONAL ACTIVITIES: I worked for the Boothbay Register briefly...

IDEAL JOB: Aspiration toward a career in computer programming/Web Development, which will illustrate and fully utilize my vast knowledge and capabilities.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity. [Note from Travis: The person was living in Romania.]

IDEAL JOB: I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

IDEAL JOB: Animation/Web Design/Creative Invironment But not one in which they think of themselves as 'rock and roll'/many small breaks as apposed to 1 or 2 long ones/Neutral colors (no loud reds or violets)/Boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: Go chargers.

IDEAL JOB: I welcome an opportunity to work hard and play hard.

IDEAL JOB: No prima donnas please.

TARGET JOB TITLE: Geologist
ALTERNATE TARGET JOB TITLE: Web Designer

OBJECTIVE: To hold onto the ideal that I can enjoy what I do for a living.

OBJECTIVE: To find a gig

EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: not necessarily web editor but something in that area

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: Dean's Honoroll

IDEAL JOB: The ideal company to work for would be one that is successful enough to offer their employees a benefits package.

REFERENCES: Leo [Withheld], Lifelong Friend. Kevin [Withheld], Friend of 7 years. [Note from Travis: The first time I read this, I wondered why he'd stopped being friends with Kevin after 7 years.]

IDEAL JOB: Idealism went out of style in the 80's, I just want to work in a fast-paced, productive and creative environment with skilled co-workers who are willing to both learn new things and use what they already know to their full potential.

IDEAL JOB: I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks. [Note from Travis: Her idea of the opposite of a cubicle is a fancy Ikea desk?]

EXPERIENCE CULLED FROM VARIOUS RESUMES
* More than 25 years of varied experience in the fantasy role-playing game industry; noted celebrity in the role-playing game industry.

* Fluent in Spanish (Helped open a bakery in Mexico).

* Expert in the use of RoboHELP and HTML Help workshop.

* Clear writing style and the ability to express instructional design ideas articulately.

* From 1984-91, I was a U.S. Navy journalist, a position full of adventure, tremendous responsibility and comradeship; if you can't be a people person on a Navy ship, then you will probably get tossed overboard.

* Responsible for canned and resized images for web use requiring extensive Photoshop skills.

* I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

* Writing Experience: Ihatemylife.us, Los Angeles, CA (Creator/Writer)

* Responsible for in/out going Email files,attending buisness meetings with owners and sales reps. To inform incoming jobs from the internet.

[Note from Travis: The following were all from one resume.]
Shawano-Gresham School District, 10/01-2/02
Substitute Teacher
* Used Socratic method to engage disruptive students and sustain class progress through assigned material. For several "hard cases," effected a change in attitude toward study and learning by explaining short and long term memory and drawing upon martial arts and sports analogies.

November Farms / Horsebooks Plus (Northern Virginia), 4/99-7/00
Miscellaneous Freelance
* Restored a collapsing footbridge and added custom flagstone approach and steps.

Lord, Sullivan & Yoder, 6/88-4/92
Media Supervisor
* Oversight of print media planning for a trade/consumer client roster with $15 million in billings. The client ended the campaign early. Reason: more new business than they could service.

Standale Bakery (Standale, MI), 1980
* Made most of the bread, rolls, and pastries.
* Developed the Crispy Fritter: a crusty, nutty, more flavorful apple fritter.

The Apollo (out of New Bedford), 1974
* Crewed on trawler long-lining for off-season swordfish in the Gulf.
* Advanced from Deckhand to First Mate in three months.
* With engine-man, improvised emergency repair of steering linkages under extremely hazardous conditions, saving the boat which was rudderless and at the mercy of a hurricane-spawned squall.

Cliff's Ridge Ski Resort (Marquette, MI), 1972
* Lift-tender and occasional ski instructor.

Leicht's Docks (Green Bay, WI), 1970
* Stevedore, loaded sacks of wheat for Biafra, offloaded christmas decorations from China.
* Developed a safer, more-efficient method for shouldering heavy sacks and taught it to others.

Proctor & Gamble (Bold Sample Rollout), December '65
* Worked with traveling distribution crew covering cities in NE Wisconsin.
- Developed method for carrying sample case that left both hands free to bag sample and literature enroute between residences.

Strid's Grain & Storage (Green Bay, WI)
Summer 1965
* Miscellaneous warehouse work, offloading railcars, blending stock feed.
* Developed a technique for shaping sacks before placement that resulted in squarer, more-stable stacks.

Fairbanks-Morse (Beloit, WI), 1965
* Weldment Cleaner, operated pneumatic grinding and polishing tools to prepare welded steel parts for sandblasting and painting.
* Parts were batched and ticketed with punch cards and the work was timed. Experienced workers knew which jobs could be easily completed within the time allotted and left the other jobs for the rookies, particularly batches of small complex parts. The standard procedure was to clamp each part in a vise and wield the heavy pneumatic tools to clean the welds. This was very tedious and time consuming and timely completion was nearly impossible or the required pace unsustainable. Confronted with tub after tub of this tedium, I applied logic and reconfigured the work. Clamping the wire-wheel tool in the vise and donning heavy leather gloves, I brought the work to the tool and cleaned two parts at a time, achieving 100% efficiency with time to spare. When my innovation was discovered, the union steward was not amused, and management promptly revised the time allotted.

St. Vincent Hospital (Green Bay, WI), Summer 1964
* Janitorial work, sweeping stairwells and basement corridors, carting laundry.

[Note from Travis: Despite having all those jobs, and more that I left out, he didn't have any Web experience.]

[Note from Travis: While primarily a dishwasher, this person did have some Web experience.]
8/1999-Present, [Name Withheld] Dormitory
Austin, TX, Head Waiter, Dishwasher
Assisted in hiring and training new waiters and dishwashers. Also coordinated schedule for wait staff of 15 each semester. Helped to prep and maintain dining room, and serve at sit-down dinners. Currently wash dishes and maintain dishwasher.

10/2002-1/2003, [Name Withheld] Band
Austin, TX, Webmaster, Creator
Constructed website using FrontPage XP, Cascading Style Sheets, and JavaScript. Music and video editing.

FINAL WORD
[Note from Travis: After being emailed that he wasn't going to be considered for the position, one person wrote back to me with this.]

Your loss. Peace.

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