No Rest for the Lonely on Valentine's Day

[I debated whether to re-edit this humor column I wrote in 1994 to, you know, add good jokes and such. But I decided to leave it basically us is. Also, I left the original headline on it, though it makes absolutely no sense. This was a common problem at the campus paper, and I soon learned to provide my own headlines.]

From the Daily Trojan, February 14 (or thereabouts), 1994.

Half Past Deadline

NO REST FOR THE WEARY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Another Valentine's day.

If I had a dollar for every Valentine's day I spent without a Valentine, I'd be able to break a twenty.

There's nothing sadder than an empty mail box on Valentine's, unless it's an answering machine with no messages, an apartment with no one waiting and a car up on blocks because your tires have been stolen.

That's how I console myself on Valentine's Day, by checking to see if my tires have been pilfered. "Hooray," I shout.

Pile this in with St. Patrick's Day, President's Day and New Year's Day (come on, how many people celebrate the day after New Year's Eve?) I'm left with relatively few holidays I enjoy. So here's a few new ones I've come up with. I'm going to be celebrating them, and you're welcome to join me.

First, I think, will be Smith Day. There's enough of us, why not have our own holiday? And certain it's not only Smiths who can celebrate Smith Day. Any of us will be able to wish someone a Pleasant Smith Day, and give them an overpriced Hallmark Card.

All parking will be free for everyone on Smith Day, and movies will have discount ticket sales that day. Anyone born or married on Smith Day will be entitled to adopt the last name Smith -- that way, the holiday will grow more and more popular.

I'd have the holiday on a Monday in May, because there's no really good holidays during May, and banks are itching for a reason to close.

Shoe Day is next on my list. I bought a new pair of shoes last weekend, and they really make my feet happy. If every one had happy feet, we'd certainly be a lot less worried about the problems in our world. Oh, sure, there'd still be homeless, pollution, unemployment, crime and oppression. But there'd be less foot fungus, and we have to start somewhere, right?

There'll be many different shoe festivities held this day, such as shoe drives (where volunteers will give clean shoes to the less fortunate) and a shoe hunt on the lawn of the White House for all the bankers who'd get the day off work. Maybe Clinton would donate some of his old shoes; after all, they'd make a great tax write-off.

Shoe Day would be in July, when people go barefoot and don't mind giving away their shoes.

Call me silly, but I'd also like a Snow Day. This could be really played up with ice sculpting festivals in northern communities like North Dakota and Northridge. People in less fortunate climes (read: where it never snows and they have to walk around in loud T-shirts and get tans all year long, oh, the horror) could participate by defrosting their refrigerators.

We'd have public safety announcements about hypothermia and slushee headaches -- you know, the kind you get when you drink cold things too fast and it feels like an ice pick is being pushed from your brain out between your eyeballs. The medical profession has practically ignored this vital area of research. We need a day to raise people's consciousness, and I think that a international snowball fight would attract the global awareness. Bankers would whine about the cold and get the day off.

I also think there should be an Elle MacPherson day, where she goes on a fabulous date with the person who established the holiday. But wait--that's me! What a shocking surprise!!

So you see, there's no reason for Valentine's Day, a scourge which causes countless labor to be lost by lovesick couples crooning at each other on office time, while nearby office workers run for convenient bathrooms, trash bins, other people's purses, etc. to be sick into.

Look how much time I've spent writing this moping column, when I could have been working on my ongoing world peace research project. (OK, I've been letting it slide a little, but all these other things keep coming up.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go home and check my mail box.

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