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Appropriate Holiday Feelings

posted at 10:53 am
on Jan. 1, 2005

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Happy 2005!

This year, I resolved to write my resolutions in time for New Year’s so I won’t have to fill space with things like this…

In order to help you through the coming year with a minimum of social and familial discomfort, I’ve written this short guide to appropriate and inappropriate feelings for each of the holidays. I have determined these proper emotions through careful observation and scientific experimentation over the past 30 years. In short, my pain is your gain.

What can you add to this list?

HolidayAppropriate Feelings Inappropriate Feelings
New YearsResolute, Wistful, CelebratoryBored, Relieved
Valentine’s DayRomantic, Adventurous Jealous, Lonely, Fat
Earth DayHarmonious, Empowered Greedy, Unperturbed
April Fool’s Day BaffledPredatory
PassoverGuilty, Redeemed Exhausted, Visibly drunk
EasterSinful, SavedUnimpressed, Sticky fingered
Mother’s Day Infinitely unworthy, Loved Burdened
(Insert Country Here) DayProud, Patriotic Jingoistic, Chosen (Granted, it’s a hard line to draw)
Memorial DayContrite, Sorrowful, Liberated, HumbleLazy, Blessed
RamadanCleansed, Pious Full
HalloweenLiberated (not like Memorial Day, be careful!), Disguised, Amused Riotous, Diabetic, Possessed
ThanksgivingThankfulAnger, Disrespect
ChristmasGrateful, GenerousAbandoned, Unvalued, Selfish
(Bonus) BirthdayRecognized, Loved, Older in a good way Egotistical, Older in a bad way



 
 

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Previous entry:
Why Cell Phone Companies Are the Spawn of the Devil (Chapter 1: Rogers Wireless)

Next entry:
Cabin & City

Overheard

“Oh boy! Another great opportunity for personal growth!”

...who said it?

“I’m not bitter about what happened to me as a child, and my mother was instrumental in keeping me from being so. ... She taught me to be grateful for my life regardless of what that entailed, and that’s directly related to the image of Christ on the cross and the example of sacrifice that he gave us. What she taught me is that the deliverance God offers you from pain is not no pain—it’s that the pain is actually a gift. What’s the option? God doesn’t really give you another choice.”

...who said it?

After over a decade of user testing, it is clear that the way we search the web is similar to the way we would search our home for valuables as it was burning to the ground. Frantically.

...who said it?

“We must shift the focus of companies back to the customer and away from shareholder value ... The shift necessitates a fundamental change in our prevailing theory of the firm… The current theory holds that the singular goal of the corporation should be shareholder value maximization. Instead, companies should place customers at the center of the firm and focus on delighting them, while earning an acceptable return for shareholders.”

...who said it?

“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.”

...who said it?

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