CANADA ATTACKS, DESTROYS ENGLAND IN JEALOUS RAGE

posted at 11:01 am
on Oct. 9, 2002

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DON’T WORRY, THIS ONE’S NOT ABOUT DIVORCE

So I’m going to pull a little switcheroo with the journal here. I’m now going to be calling it a “column.” My plan, see, is to make people think it’s, like, serious and all. I mean, a serious endeavor, not that it’s written about serious things.

I’m hoping you’ll help me get the word out to complete strangers looking for time wasters, that they should subscribe to this “column.”

In exchange, I solemnly swear to write only really really interesting and funny items about my friends, and never to write about you personally.  I will still be writing personal things about me, so don’t even think about unsubscribing.  My plan, one day, is to publish the best of these in a book; but I’ve noticed “journals” don’t sell as well as “Dave Barry books” or “Scott Adams books,” so I figure I need to pretend I’m more like them and less like Anaïs Nin.

So, if you’re up to helping me, then PLEASE remove this bit here, and send the “column” part below on to everybody you know.  Tell them to subscribe at the Web site:

* * * N E W S   B U L L E T I N * * *

CANADA ATTACKS, DESTROYS ENGLAND IN JEALOUS RAGE
  ‘It was such a quiet country,’ says U.S.A.

The United Kingdom was attacked, destroyed and sunk into the ocean today by Canada in what authorities are calling a “monstrous act of jealous rage.”

Peacekeepers responding to the scene found little left of the British isles, other than a few bobbing tea cozies.  Canada was reported fleeing the scene and was arrested soon after when a search of the vast country revealed “incriminating evidence,” authorities said.

There was no immediate indication of how Canada, not generally known as an aggressive country, managed to obliterate in one attack the whole of Britain, which, while small, has always been known as a strong fighter.

“Canada just completely sunk it,” said France, a nearby country that says it witnessed the attack. “I mean, I didn’t see it, but I heard yelling like a big fight, and then there was this huge bang, and I looked over, and there was Canada, and I couldn’t see England anywhere, so I called 9-1-1.”

Spain, another eyewitness, said that Canada simply “went ballistic and lost it,” and that England went down like a “plate of tapas.”

“It woke me up,” said Iceland, a pretty, frozen wasteland which lives just over the horizon. “It was very loud. My windows shook.”

Other countries expressed their shock at the news, and wondered if it was the right country being blamed for the attack.

“It was such a quiet country,” said Russia. “I guess you never can tell with those shy ones. We used to get along quite well, but Canada’s been a little withdrawn lately. I thought it was because of, you know, the marijuana use.”

Investigators have declined to comment officially about the evidence linking the Maple Leaf country to the crime, but one source said that it appears Canada had been stalking England for a lengthy period.

“There were pictures of the Queen everywhere, on money and stamps, and they even wrote several songs about her. This is a country that hasn’t been thinking clearly for some time,” said one agency close the investigation.

The motive for the attack remains unclear.  New Zealand, an old friend of England, said that recent displays of affection between the U.S. and the U.K. may have set Canada off.

While authorities are weighing the case against Canada, the United States has no hesitation about the next steps to take against the accused country.

“Given the seriousness of this crime, and the obvious use of some super-Canadian weapon of mass destruction, we are going to be adding Canada to our Axis of Evil list soon,” said the U.S.

When pressed for a deadline, the U.S. added: “Very, very soon, right after we scratch another name off the list.  I mean, you know, if we do have to scratch a name off.”

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