How to Take a Shower

posted at 7:33 pm
on Aug. 6, 2010

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The Internet is full of advice about how to reconfuddle a router, or how to create a cat amusement ride out of a roomba, some cat snacks and a tube of crazy glue, but it lacks good advice on some more basic activities. Here’s a helpful guide on how to take a shower that’s way better than any of the boring, wrong ones out there.

1. GO to a room with a shower. It’ll probably be called a bathroom, but this is a lie, it may not even have a bathtub. If you don’t see a shower in this room, then it is a washroom, a toilet or a closet—in any case, do not get naked in it. Take with you a towel, or make sure there’s one already there. There are no second chances.

2. TURN ON the fan.  Yes, wiping the steam from the mirror after your shower looks good in a shaving commercial, especially with a raven-haired beauty behind you half naked and smiley, but actually, if you wipe a steamy mirror in a room full of steam, you get ... a still-steamed, also-smeared mirror.  Also, you’ll eventually get a LOT of fungus if you don’t turn on the fan at the beginning.

3. OPEN your eyes.  This is to make sure there’s soap, shampoo and a washing-cloth-equivalent in the shower area.  Otherwise, you’ll have to step out of the shower all wet, and you’ll get cold and you’ll slip and you’ll DIE. This is true.  You can close your eyes again in Step 5, don’t worry.

4. TURN ON the HOT water.  Let it run until it gets all hot. Maybe this just takes a second, in which case I want to come shower at your place. Maybe it takes a few minutes, in which case, weigh yourself, take a pee*, stare at yourself in the unforgiving florescent light and wonder if today will be better than yesterday or tomorrow, inspect yourself for ingrown hairs and cancer, and then turn back to the shower.

5. ADD in the cold water until you achieve a perfect temperature.  Yell “I’m showering! No one run the dishwasher, OK?!” and then climb in.  You can now close your eyes again.

6. GET your hair wet and shampoo your hair, then RINSE out the shampoo.  Don’t do the whole REPEAT thing that it always says on the shampoo instructions.  Instructions on shampoo; that’s like instructions on a box of kleenex.  On the other hand, you are reading a guide called “How to Take a Shower,” so perhaps you like following orders.  Send me $100, then continue to step 7.

7. PUT conditioner on your hair and rinse that out, too.  This returns your hair to the somewhat oily state it was in 5 minutes ago, but with oils that smell pretty.

8. GRAB the loofa.  If you don’t have a loofa, you can use a smelly cloth that’s all gross after only a day or two, but don’t.  Get yourself a loofa; they’re cheap and they last forever, or until you disassemble it to decorate a Christmas tree.  Rub some soap on the washing device you’ve chosen, and then put the soap down in the soap dish in such a way that it’s not sitting in a puddle of water, AND it’s not going to fall out and hit you on the toe.

9. SCRUB your face before you scrub your junk before you scrub your butt.  Everything else is negotiable.  If you want to save the earth, you can turn off the water for this sudsing process.  If you want to pretend it’s a car wash, use two loofas and scrub both sides of yourself in symmetry.  Places you may forget: your elbows. Places people forget in the movies: behind your ears. Places you never wash: the soles of your feet.

10. BLOW your nose really loudly.  I’ve been told this is a weirdness only I do, but here it is in an official How To guide on the Internet, so clearly, I’m not weird and you just didn’t know that this was officially step 10 of showering.

11. TURN OFF the water (both at once, we don’t want to lose anyone to hypothermia or blanching) and stand there for at least 20 seconds.  Let the water drain off you.  This will make your bathmat less wet, and your roommate happier, and also gives you the chance to pretend for a little longer that all is right with the world and your day is is going to be awesome.  Remember, you won’t get any cleaner, more awake or less behind today; cherish this feeling.

12. STEP out. Shiver, unless you have a heated tile floor in which case, I hate you / want to be you. Dry yourself off and don’t forget your back. Wrap a towel around your torso and pretend you’re in a crime thriller movie, or wrap it around your head and pretend you’re Carmen Miranda. At this point you’re supposed to get dressed, but you’re on your own for that. Thank you, and goodbye.

ADDITIONAL OPTIONS:

* Peeing in the shower.  A doctor once told me this is the best way to prevent athlete’s foot.  It’s also the best way to get kicked out of a public pool.

* Brushing your teeth in the shower.  Acceptable in cold climes, where you want to maximize your time in the warmth.  Do it before you soap up.

* Shaving in the shower. Absolutely. Make sure to unplug your razor before you climb in.

* Getting frisky with yourself in the shower. Lock the door or invite your partner in.  Either way, don’t get walked in on, that’s AWK-WARD! Do this before any other cleaning; if the hot water runs out too soon, you’ll spend the day grumpy.

* Eating in the shower. Popsicles are OK, everything else is bloody difficult.

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