OK, Enough with This Bullshit
posted at 11:46 am
on Sep. 2, 2007
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Seriously, Vancouver. Come ON. You’re a smart city. You’re good looking. You’ve got so much going for you, but you’re throwing it all away with this absolutely disgusting weather.
Here we are on the Labor Day long weekend, and I’m wearing fleece. FLEECE! It’s an absolute abomination (not the fleece, the weather—the fleece is rather cozy). I’ll tell you what it is: it’s a glass of cold water to the face—and about that. It’s completely raining and overcast today? Sept. 2? The last summer fling before school starts and work picks up and Whisky Tango Foxtrot is it doing pouring rain on this hallowed day? Didn’t you learn your manners, city! Disgraceful.
I’m told there’s this wonderful work-life balance here, but Vancouver, your crappy weather has me sitting in front of my keyboard in the middle of the long weekend. That’s awful, just awful. My lawn never even dried out this year. Do you understand how bad a gardener I am? Do you understand how wet it has to be for me NOT to have killed off every plant in my yard? We’re talking Noah-like levels of wetness.
But that’s not even the worst of it—no, I’ve had so much practice by now that I can handle another weekend of skywater and grey cotton batting overhead. No, the worst is this: I’m driving home along Broadway after breakfast, and there are shopkeepers SWEEPING GODDAMN LEAVES FROM THEIR STOOOPS! THEIR STOOPS!
Out my window, I can now see the first tree turning yellowy-red with sadness. As I stepped out of my car in the garage today, a dried leaf blew in under the garage door like the claw from some B-movie horror flick. Need I remind you that Fall doesn’t start until Sept. 23? Oh yes, I need. I need indeed.
I can understand, you’re Vancouver, you’ve got this “rainy” rep to protect, but OK, we get it, fine, you’re so BADASS and DAMP. But I mean, shit, all badasses gotta have a tan, you dig? And if you plan to keep it all moldy and grim for the next month, I might have to just start telling people that you’re a premature season changer with no summer at all. Then we’ll see how long your whole “I’m the #1 city in the world” rep lasts. I mean, really. Really. pfft.
