Your Questions Answered

posted at 1:41 am
on Apr. 8, 2010

Comments: 4 so far

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Since that other site launched, I’m getting WAY more comments than usual, and many of them ask questions.  Also, when I wrote my last post, I must have been out of my gourd on a bender of snorting crushed ramen noodles and spice when I promised I’d review the whole internet, so I’d better get started.  Here we go!

1. Can you do a review of Eli Roth?

No. Eli Roth is rich and handsome enough that he can hire someone else to review him, probably while simultaneously feeding him grapes and massaging his pet Doberman. Wait, just checking, you mean the horror-film director/actor Eli Roth? Yeah, other than his plea to get Sea World to release all its mammals, I got nothin’ to say ‘bout Roth.

2. Hi, I think you are cute and funny. When you critique me, please be nice. - Laura Ingalls Wilder

Laura, you exquisite piece of tail, you magnificent bird. Thank you so much for showing us how much nicer it is to live in an age and country where people don’t have to churn their own butter or die of polio.

3. Yes, even i use the interwebs. Review me and my fecalities. Thank you. - Andrew Jackson

I assume that is a typo.  If not, I have no pole long enough with which to touch this question. I’m also going to ignore the fact that this is a request from a dead president, and as such ought to be accompanied with a bribe of a dead president or two.

4. Your site scrolls sideways.

Yes, it does.  Your point?

4a. I hate it.

I get that a surprising amount. I may not like your car, but I wouldn’t criticize it to your face, so if you don’t like my blog scrolling sideways, I recommend you leave or turn your monitor on its side.  Note: This does not work with the iPad, which will keep my blog firmly rooted sideways no matter how much you spin the tablet. Steve Jobs - he gets me, he really gets me.

5. Where’s your eyebrows troll?

Seriously, this is a comment someone left.  How does a person this dumb operate a stove or a microwave oven? Do they just eat out all the time? I’m truly curious.

6. Just remember that when it comes to an end - You just gotta let go.

Good advice in life, bad advice in rock climbing.

7. Thank you for using “TTFN” on the page prior to your blog. That is what my deployed husband says to me every day at the end of our chats before he heads out for the day. It gave my heart a good tweak.

This isn’t a question but I left it in because I support our troops, plus the word “tweak” makes me giggle inappropriately.

8. I was supposed to be posting my responses for my online classroom. Somehow I deviated and ended up watching the video that led me here. I love your layout. I will return at a later time. I need to go back to class. Cool site! P.S. Review me! - Elena

Elena is a smart student who tries hard but often gets distracted by shiny objects and her own fingertips. She plays well with others, but has a tendency to show off. Her enthusiasm is infectious, so wear gloves and a mask at all times when dealing with her.

9. I like your site, even though it scrolls sideways.

See? I told you! Let’s go beat up #4! Get him! Oh crap, we’re out numbered.  Run!

10. Review me! - Virginia

Yeah, my sister wants me to review her. She tweeted this; she’s too busy to leave a comment like the rest of you. Virginia is pretty much a bottle of hot sauce, except instead of “hot” it’s full of “awesome.” She’s smart, and funny, and cute, and good at frankly just about everything she tries.  And she’s tried everything. And boys, she’s single! (wolf-whistle)

She’s about to finish university, which is super impressive, and then she can take a quick breath and go on to her next fun challenge, and she’ll have good stories about that, too. As long as her kooky cat doesn’t kill her in her sleep first.

11. Would you review me? Thank you. - cghearn

Sure.  cghearn is alright.  Anyone who likes Kurosawa can’t be all bad.  But no one who uses the word “fancy” in their blog description can be all good. So it’s a wash.

12. Hey Trav, Me too. I’ll buy you a beer at the next 3rd Tuesday. - Chris LeMay

Good golly, where to start about Chris LeMay.  Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.  Gee.  Well, for starters, I’d never play a game of pool against this guy.  Wooo, am I right? And then, try asking him for a loan, like, $40 or something. You ought see the reaction.  Well, it’s somethin’.  And then that little lady on his arm: she’s a piece of work.  Humdinger. No, you can’t say too much about Chris. No sirree. pshaw.

13. Those people are so stupid for not making a decent offer for your domain before they rolled out their publicity campaign, because now you can demand big $$$. I’m thinking in the range of 2 to 3 million. Congrats to you man for winning the friggin’ lottery.

So far, any discussion about purchasing unvarnished.com has been in the 4-figure range.  That’s not the lottery, that’s more like winning Wheel of Fortune, back when you used to be able to pick out your own prizes while the camera panned over luggage, appliances, lawn furniture, electronics and a trip to somewhere in America. I’m firmly in “brand new pots and pans” land.

14. Kind of cool that their site name has backfired a bit. Review me if you like grin - Bryan Blackwell

Hi, Bryan.  I know you like Corvair racing, which is why you’re familiar with backfiring. Ohhhhhhh, burn. Other than that, I could guess you’re left-handed, you like watermelon more than any other fruit, and you are currently not wearing socks. But it’s all WAGs.

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Unvarnished Reviews Everyone On the Internet

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